Betty, did you finish shredding my mail?
- I'm just finishing, Mr. Clamp. - Good.
Let's...
Let's do some memos.
First, one to Frager, in public relations.
Have the people in Chinatown give a street festival.
A spontaneous flood of appreciation for all I've done for the community.
We could have those dragons. Those big dragons with the guys inside.
- And maybe we could have a parade. - Yum-yum!
Call that big department store. They got lots of floats.
They keep them in a warehouse in New Jersey.
I think I own that.
A, B, C, D, J, K...
Coffee?
Let go of my tie!
- Bill! - Mr. Clamp, sir, are you okay?
Yeah, I think so. I hate using these machines myself.
- Sir, we have a problem... - We have a situation... Oh, my God.
We have to evacuate the building and close it down.
- That's ridiculous. - Before sundown.
- What happens at sundown? - They hate sunlight. It kills them.
When it gets dark, they'll try to leave the building...
Calm down. He should be in custody. He's dangerous.
This thing, that's dangerous. This guy's from the art department.
Ask him how he knows about these things.
How do you know about them?
- This animal was in the genetics lab... - I said it could be a problem tenant.
We could have had three shrinks and a plastic surgeon. Here.
Make a wish!
Ah, hair!
Going down!
Second floor, lingerie.
The elevator doors have opened. Please leave, and watch your step.
We'll... We'll get the next one.
- You don't think it had rabies? - No.
- We must stop them from getting wet. - No, we have to put a lid on it.
No cops, no media. We'll handle this ourselves.
- You go down to systems control. - But there might be physical danger.
You're supposed to handle bugs.
Well, I'd call these some goddamn major bugs, wouldn't you? Huh?
Okay. But I don't think I should try it without an expert.
Let's go, Peltzer.
Three, two, one. Cue Leonard.
Hi. I'm Leonard Maltin, and this is The Movie Police.
First, our video watch.
Just rereleased on video is Gremlins, though I can't imagine why.
I know some people found it fun, but I'd rather have root canal work done.
What's fun about a movie full of ugly, mean-spirited monsters...
...who attack innocent people?
Are we so desperate for entertainment that this trash passes for fun?
Wait a minute!
Look at this. I've been working on making tomatoes tougher for shipping.
- That's terrific! - Topnotch! How do they taste?
That's the best part. We've already had calls from two airline chefs.
Oh, my gosh!
- Did somebody leave something out? - Not I.
It's eating my vegetable medley.
- What's that noise? - I think they're laughing.
- Reptiles don't laugh! - They're not reptiles.
- Then what are they? - A virus?
What on earth is going on?
I leave you alone, what do I find when I get back? Chaos!
Is that the brain hormone that creature's drinking?
Good boy. Nice boy.
There's a good creature. Now, let's talk this over.
I can get you diseases. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Perhaps not.
I wanna talk...
...about what's going on in here.
There are some fascinating ramifications for the future.
When you introduce genetic material to our life form...
...which is possessed of a sort of...
...I hesitate to say "atavism"...
...but let us say an aggressive nature.
That fellow over there is a common bat of the order of Chiroptera.
The only mammals, I might add, capable of true flight.
Ah, genetic sunblock!
Yes.
Might I have a word with you? My friend, you have potential.
I wanna help you be all that you can be. May I?
As you're aware, sunlight poses a problem for our ethnic group.
We don't tan or burn.
We become a rather unappetizing photochemical leftover.
Thus this formula, designed for those of the nocturnal persuasion...
...to make light no problem at all.
That'll be useful where you'll be going.
Where he'll be going?
All they have to do is eat children, there'd be appalling publicity.
There it is. The Apple. The city so nice they named it twice.
Check it out one time, won't you?
Catch it! Don't let it go!
- Down! - Down!
Here in Manhattan...
...there's been a steady stream of mechanical problems...
...at the Clamp Centre office building in midtown...
- Buy! Buy! - Sell! Sell!
I'd say it's a full-scale panic.
Are you having a run on the banks yet? It's brutal here.
We're telling clients to invest in canned food and shotguns.
Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit.
Go to it quickly because of the danger in the building.
Please take personal belongings with you.
Take care not to step on any of the people...
...attempting to leave the building.
Food fight! Food fight! Food fight!
Fire: The untamed element, giver of warmth, destroyer of forests.
- This building is on fire. - What?
The building is on fire. Leave the building.
Enact the age-old drama of self-preservation.
Oh, Murray, the cathedral of Saint Eva Marie.
- What a beautiful building! - Beautiful?
It's like something out of the Dark Ages.
Hey, Quasimodo, you home?
Hey...
- It's one of them! - Who?
Get off!
It's just a flesh wound, Murray!
- Hurry up, Lewis! - I'm coming, Martin!
The horror. The horror. The breakage!
Sir, what happened?
They fought back, that's what happened.
Things.
Stuff.
I swear, I'll never hurt anything again.
Some things man isn't meant to splice.
- A problem tenant. - Calm down.
- We won't renew your lease. - Where are they?
Don't patronize me! I saw them.
- But where? - In my laboratory, the Splice of Life.
Stupid name. But it wasn't my idea.
Bunny rabbit.
"Fourscore and seven years ago..."
Nudie, nudie, nudie!
Mom, I wanna see the Gremlins!
Sir, I can't believe this. This is worse than the first one.
We just show these movies, we don't make them.
But...
I quit. Call the union, the National Guard.
Those things took over the projector.
All they wanna see is Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Enough!
I'll take care of this.
Mr. Hulk, we have Gremlins in the projection booth.
- Could you help us? - Gremlins? In this theater? Now?
Okay, guys, listen up. People paid money to see this movie.
When they go out, they want cold sodas, popcorn...
...and no monsters in the projection booth.
Do I have to come up there?
Can the Gremsters stand up to the Hulkster?
If I were you, I'd run the rest of Gremlins 2 right now!
Sorry, folks. It won't happen again.
- I'm outside the Clamp Centre office building...
...where something strange is taking place inside, though...
- been a day Mr. Clamp would like to forget.
- Talking about green creatures.
Police are not permitting any news media inside.
Once we are allowed in...
...we'll broadcast live from inside the building.
Live...
...from inside.
Hey, you! Come here.
No! Can you work a TV camera?
Work a camera? I am a camera!
Oh, good! Come with me.
No, this way. This way.
I know, you think I'm insane.
No, if you were, we couldn't sue you.
- Oh, my God. - You see?
This is a complete failure...
...of management.
- They're eating the genetic stuff. - Years of research, patents!
Are there any bright lights here?
They've broken them all. But I do have some small assault weapons.
What a hunk!
- Don't be afraid of your feelings! - Help!
It's a hobby I knew would come in handy.
I got ordnance here that can drop a charging puma at 50 feet.
Oh, why can't you commit?
That's what these things need, a taste of...
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
To survive a war, you gotta become war.
Let us in there. We'll take responsibility.
Most people are out anyway.
- What's in there? I've been to Beirut. - I bet they miss you there.
The important thing is to keep this out of the media.
They get you to say something...
...then they twist and embellish it, and before you know it...
- live, exclusively over the Clamp News Channel...
...from the lobby, where this invasion...
...by strange creatures, perhaps from another galaxy...
...or from a dimensional warp...
...has run riot through this building, sending people...
Dracula?
- These horrible little green monsters in that building there!
You can't do that...
- Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold it! No water. - What?
That's not a fire in there. They're gremlins.
You get them wet, they'll multiply. I can deal with them.
Sure, pal. Why don't you calm down? Just take it easy.
Don't talk to me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy!
I was never crazy. I'm fine.
Let me in there!
Bill, any progress? Just tell me there's progress.
Things are really bad out there.
Bad?! Only one of my channels is still on the air.
There are human beings in the building.
Do you know what kind of lawsuits we're looking at?
Yes, I know, but...
All of our operators are busy.
Your call will be handled in the order received.
- What is that? - One of those things.
- They come in electric too? - They do now.
He's in the phone system on hold.
I thought this would never run. Maybe it will, now.
Because of the end of civilization, CCN now leaves the air.
We hope you have enjoyed our programming.
But more importantly, we hope you have enjoyed life.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? - Yes, sir. It's very uplifting.
Is there any way to turn the clocks ahead in the building three hours?
There's nothing we can't do. Why?
Sunlight kills them.
If we can fool them into thinking the sun has gone down...
...they may go to the lobby.
Right! The front doors are the only way out of the building.
- The sun sets at 7:32. - Then we should move at 4:20.
I like that! We have information they don't have.
That's how you take somebody out. Wait a minute.
Won't they see the sun's still out?
- You'll have to take care of that. - Me?
- Set it up from the outside. - Good!
I finally get to use my secret exit.
- You know, sir? - Yes?
If you pull this off, you could save the city.
Save the city? "Developer Saves City." I like that!
Is anyone still employed in this charming facility?
I need light in my office. Now!
At Clamp Enterprises we want you to achieve all you can.
Turn on the lights in my office.
You want me to work in the dark?
This is new.
Hey, that's Clamp! Let's go!
- Has the building been evacuated? - Is it on fire?
That's a false alarm. We've just got some problems.
You got a guy in there in a Dracula suit.
Are you trying to panic the city?
- So they are real? - I didn't say that.
- What are you saying? - What I always say.
Murray?
Gizmo?
As you probably know...
As you probably know, an entire race of strange beings...
...has invaded the building.
And in an even more bizarre twist, one of the creatures...
"Creatures." Is that accurate?
- That one of these creatures is able to talk...
...and he's going to talk with us right now.
The main question people have is:
Creature, what is it that you want?
Fred, what we want...
...is what you and your viewers have: Civilization.
Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?
The niceties. The fine points.
Diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition.
That's what we reach toward.
We may stumble on the way, but civilization, yes.
The Geneva Convention, Susan Sontag.
Everything you've worked hard to accomplish, we aspire to.
We wanna be civilized. Take a look at this fellow here.
Now, was that civilized? Clearly not.
Fun, but in no sense civilized.
None of us has been in New York before.
We have to learn how to get tickets for shows.
There's street crime, but we can watch that for free.
We want the essentials. Dinettes, bedroom groups...
...credit even if we've been turned down before.
Take it easy with that thing. Be careful up there!
What's that thing for?
These things can only come out when it's dark.
We set the clocks ahead. When they think it's sunset...
...and see what a nice night it is, they'll muster in the lobby.
The sunlight'll pour through here and fry them!
Sure.
- Is it safe? - Help!
Billy!
I hate these little things!
- You okay, Billy? - Yeah. Get me out of here.
- Billy? - Could I get some help here, please?
I'm trapped in adhesive polymer material...
...and I'm on deadline!
Darling, it's you! Thank God you're here.
Well, I could help you, or I could just leave you here.
Listen, about Billy. Nothing happened.
I asked him out to dinner. It was strictly business.
Okay, it wasn't completely business, I'll be honest.
It'll be an openness thing.
I had designs on him. I didn't get to first base. Okay?
- It'll do. - What a wonderfully prepared woman.
What happened to him?
I don't know. I guess they pushed him too far.
- Lf they get out... - We'll stop them, Billy.
Don't give up now.
Washington didn't. Lincoln...
- Please! - What?
Don't mention Lincoln.
A terrible thing happened to me once on Lincoln's birthday.
I was 6 or 7.
I had the day off from school. Mama sent me to the park.
She made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's all I ever ate.
A man with a beard and hat... Just like Lincoln.
Honey, we don't have time for this now.
I remember... Oh, God. He said, "Hello, little girl."
Is everybody here?
All right, then!
These guys aren't bad.
Incredible as it seems, ladies and gentlemen...
...after their bizarre, bloodcurdling rampage of destruction...
...these strange creatures now appear to be mounting what seems to be...
...a musical number.
They're near the doors.
Don't worry. Soon Mr. Clamp will drop the cloth...
...and let in the sun.
Okay, are we ready to drop this thing?
Sunlight?
Say cheese!
They get in the rain, the city will go under. Armageddon! WWIII!
- Billy, we've gotta do something. - I know.
There's a fire hose. Aim it into the lobby.
Are you crazy?
Just do it, and fast!
Put Gizmo in a box so he doesn't get wet.
Marla...
- Smoke. - Thanks.
Loogie!
Lobby!
Don't mess with Futterman!
There's a call on hold in Mr. Clamp's office. Can you transfer it here?
Yeah, I think so.
Ready!
Turn it on!
Billy, I hope you know what the hell you're doing.
I'm singing in the bathtub!
Bypass the file server.
- That's it! - My God!
Turn off the hose!
Hit it!
I'm melting!
Oh, what a world, what a world!
The creatures seem to be melting into horrible little green and brown...
...puddles. It's, it's like...
Well, I can't say what it looks like, on television, but it looks terrible.
Let's go! Come on!
It's stuck. Come on. Back up here. Down there. Come on! Let's go!
We'll take them by this door. Come on!
Charge!
I didn't hurt myself. Maybe we can use this stuff for landfill.
- We're here with Daniel R. Clamp. - Hey! Hey! Wait a minute, pal!
Who told you to go on my network?
Nobody, sir. It just seemed like news, so...
Right, right. I'm making you an anchor. Six o'clock, weeknights.
Go to Barneys and get new clothes. Give this man a credit card.
This is Old World. Think sweaters. Think avuncular.
Right. Avuncular!
- And my cameraman? - Off caffeine, he's okay.
- I'm a hit! - We're a hit.
What does a menswear makeover cost today? Join us as we investigate...
And get some sun this weekend!
Hey, Bill! Oh, boy!
- What's happening? - It moved, sir.
All right. Carry on. Careful, that stuff's slippery.
So you bailed us out.
It wasn't just me. We all chipped in. Mr. Futterman and Marla.
Marla?
Yes, sir?
You work for me, don't you?
Yes, sir.
Very, very hard.
What happened?
They tried it again, but we were ready.
- Let's go. Smells like burnt meatloaf. - It's Daniel Clamp!
He's here! Mr. Clamp, can we have a statement?
Please, please!
My new head of public relations here will handle all questions.
Why, Daniel!
- What happened? - Where's the camera? It was horrible.
We had to stop work altogether.
- Sorry about the building. - I'm not.
- You're not? - No, we're insured for the damages.
Maybe it wasn't a place for people anyway.
It was a place for things. You make a place for things. Things come.
You kept the city safe, sir.
That's right. That's a good point. The sacrifice.
Could be in my next book! I should take notes.
- Who's got a pencil and paper? - Here you go.
- What's this? - Kingston Falls.
- I've looked for this! - To buy?
No, to build for my next project in Jersey! This is terrific!
People want the traditional community thing now.
Quiet little towns, back to the earth.
Is this your concept?
- It's our hometown. - That's better. I love that! It's...
Wait. It's...
"Clamp Corners. Where life slows down to a crawl."
- What do you think? - It's terrific.
This is what people want, not talking elevators.
You sell me this design, and we'll build the biggest...
...most sensational quiet little town ever.
- But for him to do an entire town... - We can come to a deal.
- Are you Mrs. Peltzer? - Yes! Well, I'm gonna be.
- What's that? - This is Gizmo.
- He's a Mogwai. - Mogwai.
- I look at him, you know what I see? - What, sir?
Dolls with suction cups staring out car windows.
A Macy's parade float. Have you thought about merchandising?
- Me? No. - Yeah!
There's something there. Lose the headband, though.
He likes the headband.
It's flexible. Excuse me.
Most buildings wouldn't stand up to this...
Go home now.
No visit to New York is complete without...
...touring the world's most... - Put a glaze of cheese on top.
- Your favorite. - Yeah, sure.
Showtime! MTV.
- Are you coming? - In a minute.
- HBO. - What did he say?
He wants cable.
- Nick at Nite? - No.
- Have a cigarette? - No.
I'll quit.
- From the building. - In the building?
Hello? Forster, what are you...? Okay, we'll get you out. What floor?
Way up there! It'll take a while. The elevators are out.
So are the automatic doors.
I don't know, not long. We'll do what we can. Keep your pants on.
- You've been working too hard. - Maybe I have, Mr. Clamp.
- Take a day off. Half a day. - That's generous, sir.
A half-day off once the building is operational. Thank you, sir.
Long, isn't it?
Patently ridiculous!
Still lurking about? Don't you people have homes?
That's...
Oh, no, you don't!
Sorry, 60 years of hogging the end title is enough!
So that's all, folks!
Fade out...!